and

Jumped on only for a short update, since i have no time to finish the post from yesterday, and even if i had a time i couldn’t sit here calmly …. i had great evening with Daca, and best rainy morning this whole month.

It’s all good!

saturday…

Saturday… Zoran will come over later, Daca & Nikola are here… still and by the looks of it they are planning to stay till tomorrow. I had hard time falling asleep last night, and i’m up late, but only thing important is that they still sleep. Alex is working, so this is first moment since Wednesday i have my peace.

But, as we all know, i can’t handle peace very well. I had to do something stupid to make my morning complete. And now we’ll have fun watching consequences =]

Well let’s see, my last few days were like:

Wednesday: Alex and I went to do some shopping, for upcoming Sara’s B-day. That was fun, present, groceries; I even got me little something to keep me sane. We arrived home around 6:30 pm just time to be pleasantly surprised by a phone call. Daca called to announce that she broke up with Nikola; crying crocodile tears… So, whole madness started 1 day earlier. Anyway, they ended their madness, but they haven’t changed plans, so both of them are gonna come tomorrow over and stay whole weekend. How smart is that?? I think when she said that it was already enough for me, I only realized that even thou I expected apocalypse to happen in my house, on my daughter’s birthday is not gonna be as pleasant as I expected. I somehow managed to cut that talk short, I just got home, didn’t even unpack and had 2 many things to deal with. It didn’t took her 2 long to call me back, so I did only smart thing I could think of, invited her over, cos otherwise, I wouldn’t have peace at all, and I’d be sentenced to talk with her whole night. So I figured if she’d come over I could occupy her thoughts more easily then over phone, it was a good deed for the day. She arrived around 11 pm, and started laughing at me the second she entered room. Well it’s unusual seeing me watching Biohazard on youtube, and I already had like 4 beers, so it was fun. That evening wasn’t bad at all, she arrived late enough, and I finished all I had for the day, and I had nothing else to do except chill out and get drunk and high with her. And that I did, and it was hilarious so she couldn’t think about whole emo-tragedy at the time. We tried to decide what will I wear in charge tomorrow, that didn’t go very well, but was hella fun of course.

So generally Wednesday wasn’t that bad.

Thursday: Well we passed out nicely last night, around 5 am, with head full of beer; I don’t know why I had such hard time falling asleep, it took forever, I’m not even sure was I sleeping at all. Around 9am every1 was up and getting ready. Daca decided to go with us, silly girl, I’d stay if I had a chance to avoid my aunt’s lectures about appropriate clothes for commemoration etc etc but Daca wanted to go… Of course, later she regretted cos my dear aunt started making inappropriate comment about Nikola being late, and impact that has on her. Naturally I had to react saying to my aunt I’ll bite her head of if she again does something ignorant like that. Priest smiled at me for saying that. Commemoration was short and nice; after that was over we all separated. My sis Mina decided that she is invited to birthday 1 day earlier, so she joined us on our way home. Nikola had to take bus since there was no room in car for him. I had a nice fight with Alex in car, and later with dad over phone. Again sky opened above, storm was beautiful but short. We arrived around 5 pm home, and I locked myself in kitchen preparing diner. I was good to myself,I finished with cooking, and moved to my bedroom for a chill out session, alone, paying no attention at all at what was going on in the house. Nikola came maybe 1 hour after we did. Evening wasn’t fun cos every1 was still tired from last night. I had to decide who’s gonna sleep where, that wasn’t easy task cos Daca and Nikola are supposed to be in separate rooms, so I kicked Alex out of our room so that 3 of us girls can sleep there, Alex slept with Dina, and Nikola in living room alone. We all went to bed around 2:30 am, but then Daca couldn’t sleep [surprise surprise] and I don’t know after how long she got up and went to join her “ex” Well, that wasn’t smart of her, but Mina and i had more room =]

Friday Sara’s Birthday: I was up first of course, made breakfast for every1. @ 10 am, Alex’s parents called to say they are on their way. WTF!!! I didn’t even had a shower or coffee, not to mention that someone is still sleeping in living room, and kids are still in PJs. I took a deep breath, threw kids in a tub for a quick shower, mercilessly waked those 2 up and send Alex to pick up cake. When guests arrived, everything was ok, like always. Everything was perfect. So I didn’t took a shower, didn’t have my most sacred first cup of coffee at peace, didn’t even comb my hair, big deal. Then the fun part, with all the presents, B-day wishes, cakes etc I missed of course cos I was preparing early lunch. Why early, well cos sooner we finish that, they will be gone =]

3:30 pm, we are saying goodbye to them and Mina. Rest of the day was pretty much regular. Evening was quite boring; Alex passed out early in dad’s room, smart guy I stayed till 2 am doing nothing, only thinking of what I really want to do. Night was hard, really hard. I wanted to get up and start writing about this, but those 2 were here sleeping and I wouldn’t mind waking them up, I only didn’t want to be asked what am I doing, it’s none of their business what i am doing in my house in the middle of the night. So I tortured myself quite a while like that.

Saturday: I didn’t even hear alarm this morning. I wanted to be up @ 7 am, waked up @ 9 =[ NVM they were all sleeping [yea they are all up now] So regular morning, more or less. Went to kitchen for breakfast for me and kids, grabbed me coffee and came here to let it all out. Zoran called to say he is late, like I didn’t already knew he’ll be late. He should be here by now. Daca and bros finished their breakfast just now, and looks like they realized they should stay away from me for at least a while. Main disaster didn’t happen yet, but it is inevitable. They will have a fight, and I’ll have to handle them. My bros is not the problem. He usually tries he’s best to fix things up, but she’s blind to realize that, or just won’t accept that, meaning they shouldn’t be a couple. End of story.

I kept telling her Only because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all their heart. I’m sick of them. She just entered room asking me what am I writing. I said confession=] and asked her nicely to let me finish. This sucks. She is my best friend, I never ever kept nothing secret from her, till like 1 month ago when I had my own personal disaster, and told her nothing about that. And this whole time in the middle of my own tragedy completely out of my mind, she knows nothing about that. I had a strong reason not to tell her cos when I mentioned something related before, she freaked out and started accusing me…. She simply can not understand and take it serious. So I decided, this is something I can not share with her, at all, since I needed support not accusations – only because she can’t [ I should say she won’t ] take it serious. What nonsense!

Gtg Need to water my plants, Zoran should walk in any second now, I’m not finished yet…

Some people tell me that I need help/Some people can fuck off and go to hell

Since they have nothing better to do,

Idiots incapable to mind their own business.

Don’t ask me why I feel so good today, if I’d tell you your reaction would most likely piss me off. Unfortunately seems like tonight Belgrade doesn’t have much to offer, and I badly need to get rid of this extra energy before I hurt someone, and there is no better place for that then dance floor. Well, let’s just hope that I’ll feel the same for upcoming Illegal Emotions concert.

Sunday @ Grad

That is a promising event, especially since they haven’t played for 2 whole years. Music just accidentally might be good [you never know] but one thing is sure, I love and miss that crowd and I can’t wait to see them all. Hahaha, I remember 2 years ago I was so annoyed cos Emotions used to play 2 often and I was like shit don’t we have nothing else to do? Now I miss that, and Parafin wasn’t very active lately, hmm interesting, I realize now how come I spent so much time in front of computer [and not mirror] this year. Damn this year is weird, it’s officially  “I haven’t been going out at all” year, well first half of it to be precise. And its summer, so naturally that will change; I’m just sorry I missed whole clubbing season. Clubs are closed for summer, and ships are opened, whole city moved to river for a few months. Most of summer clubs I haven’t even checked, ofc my friends and me have our summer residence, ship called Povetarac [meaning Breeze]. Povetarac is beautiful, affordable, with huge dance floor, tasteful interior, and its idiots free.

I don’t get what’s with the weather; we had like 20 rainy days here this month. That can’t last forever I guess, and as soon as rain stops first order of business will be getting my butt to Ada [aka: Sava Lake, Belgrade sea…], for some night swimming. Why night, well cos during the day lake looks like this

eewww

That’s not my cup of w/e

Same place, different angle, evening

That's better

Yea much better don’t you agree +  my personal cocktail genie works in one bar on the beach…. i’m a hedonist i can’t help it.

Ada works for city dwellers just fine, but not for me. I should think about holiday for this summer. If I don’t go away for a while I’ll be ready for madhouse around September. Dad got invitation for Greece, well it’s business trip but I might pack and hit the road with him. Second option would be mountain Golija I guess. Golija’s nature is untouched. It’s completely wild and feels like whole other world. Greece would make me more tired, it’s a long trip, and it’s urban zone so it’s not really best solution. I’m thinking about that just because I’m promising year after year that I’ll visit some friends down there, and I really want to but I’m 2 lazy to do that. One thing is sure; there is nothing in the world that could force me to go to Montenegro ever again. I’d rather stay locked in madhouse. Last time I went there was  wow 9 years ago I think. That wasn’t fun, it was an emergency trip to Herceg Novi because Daca was in love with a friend of mine. Girl snapped when he suddenly hit the road. She was losing so bad that I had to take her down there to make fool of herself. Worst trip ever, we arrived to town and first thing to do was avoid pimps on a bus station; luckily huge blond women showed up and freaked everyone away. We rented a room at her place for 4 days. I don’t remember lady’s name, but she was a hell of a women. Herceg Novi is dreamy town, like fairytale city till you get to the beach. Well I wouldn’t call that a beach anyway, it’s a filthy concrete shore to be exact. Mentality of Montenegrins is something special. National ego is sacred; witch wouldn’t be that bad if they knew a little bit about their nation. So generally it’s tragic. Would be funny if they weren’t mediocrity. They are insanely proud people, and everything they are proud of normal person would be ashamed of. That is precise description. Montenegro = twilight zone. Well it was fun in a way, and Daca spent 1 night with that guy. I remember last night was really nice, we found pretty little beach few miles outside town, spent night there with 4 bottles of vine and no weed. Rain waked us up just in time not to miss bus for Belgrade.

Hmmmm, where do do do do do i go….

Music, human’s volume.

I’ll try to make some kind of retrospective of what I was listening for the past few months. I usually have top artists for periods of time, so 70% of all music I play would be from that particular artist. Last time it was Gary Numan, but that ended up around November last year, and since then I haven’t really got hooked up to any other. Since October last year, when I bought my Depeche Mode tickets I haven’t played DM till few days ago when I played 101 to hear Strangelove again, and because I saw on youtube that they included it on this tours setlist. Shit, after 20 years, Strangelove live….. and no gig in Belgrade, and it’s pretty much too late to get tickets for any other European gig cos those are all soled out.

So what was it I’ve been listening? Ummm, it all started when suddenly I felt like Alice in Chains. I had my grunge period, when I was 14-15, not that I ever really listened to grunge, but my state of mind did match that subculture at the time. I was 16 when I got hooked up to Alice in Chains, and since that period I never listened to them again, till this year. It could have been worst you know, I could start listening to Pink Floyd, or even worst Pornography by The Cure! Pornography is best album they ever released, but take my word for it – it aint healthy listening to it. I’ve been there, done that, survived cos I was 2 stoned I guess.

Cypress Hill! I was never into rap, but always loved those crazypersons. They have cheer up effect on me probably because I wasn’t listening rap. I guess if I was, Cypress would have similar effect like Pornography. I just got lucky never to get hooked up to rap. Oh, and one important note: Cypress Hill = Masterminds! So I mixed Cypress with Alice in chains, and after few weeks I realized something is rotten. Felt really down for a while, and good thing was that it didn’t take 2 long for me to realize music sucked. So I killed 16 year old me again by removing depressing grunge from my life once again, and for a rehab purpose I choose to listen album Wish by Cure. How smart is that, huh?? Wish worked really nice, so nicely that it didn’t take too long for me to add Disintegration as a dessert on my playlist. That’s the Cure, sneaky devils, you never see them coming, they sneak in trough some passage, some back doors you never knew existed, and by the time you realize they already moved in, and beat the day light out of you. I guess that was smartest thing I did this year, Disintegration FTW!! So I ended up Disintegrated.

Now let me just mention few tracks that were regularly included on my playlists for some time, Kate Bush – Nocturn [women never singed so beautiful] Japan – Other Side of Life, Bowie – I’m Deranged, Nick Cave – Bring it on, Wolfsheim – Now I Fall, Ade Fenton feat. Gary Numan – Healing, Marian Gold – One Step Behind You, Ultravox – Visions in Blue + Friend I Call Desire, INXS – By My Side, Peter Gabriel – Intruder, Sisters of Mercy – More, Covenant – Still Life, The Smiths – How Soon Is Now, Alphaville – Sounds Like A Melody, Human League – Blind Youth, Fischerspooner – Invisible, Visage – Fade to Gray, Bauhaus – She’s in Parties etc etc

… Now that makes sense.

Ahh, yes and Depeche’s Come Back + In Chains, those 2 songs worked for me.

After Cure did their thingie Peter Murphy healed all the wounds. I’ve been rescued, Peter’s voice and singing technique is brilliant, so pro, so beautiful, pure genius. After this rehab, Keith Jarret washed away any remains of past months insanity. Finally I’m empty. Time for me to sign up for a DJ session in little place called Red Room, I started working on this years party lists. Also I’ll have to get some of my dear friends to make private party for me to play music at. That is a real treat…

Music, human’s volume.

I’m ok now, Alien Skull Pain powerup in progress

week ends

Current mood –> Xymox – Obsession [club mix]

Congrats to my best friend Daca!!! Today she got results of her final exam, so she finally finished her studies. We’ll drink to that some other time. I must say, after this great news that we all have been looking forward to for years I’m a bit worried. She’s been having some issues lately, and honest I think her studies kept her sane, I have no idea what will she do next time [except calling me in the middle of the night to solve nothing] when she hits the rock bottom that will keep her [and me] sane. Till today she could always stuck her head in a book and forget all that’s been going on, but what now? Hmmm rational thing would be to quit whining and breakup with her boyfriend finally. But she never does that. She is a lot like me, she rarely does things she knows are right, only thing different is that I never had a problem finishing relationships, this girl never dumped no1. And it’s about time she does that, even thou her bf is my brother.

Lately I’ve been pretty much fked up myself due to some more or less personal issues, and honest I’m way too tired to survive 3-4 hours long useless conversation about same old crap that we talked about for last 2 or 3 years. Luckily for me, since she moved to new apartment she is almost never alone so she doesn’t have privacy to make those late pointless calls. I might sound like a bad person saying that, but those calls really are pointless. I wish she’d call me for any other reason, not to mention how much I’d love to hear her happy for a change.

Next week will be quite busy, and hopefully I’ll find a way to finish everything without nerve-breakdowns [lol like that ever happened for me] Friday is my daughter Sara’s 7th B-day. Daca already said she’ll come here with my brother day before. And Thursday 25th is 25 years since my mother died, and therefore we will have a commemoration. I have a birthday party to think about, and I still have no idea what to get for present, and I’m already annoyed cos day before party I won’t be home preparing birthday, I’ll have to deal with relatives, and when I do get home I’ll already have guests. Why do people do things like that? Why can’t I have peace to organize party the way I want to? I called them million times to come here, and ofc they’ll come when I least need them, or anyone! So much about my fantasy that I’ll handle it all without any problems.

Oh well, new Moon tomorrow… it’s relaxing thought. And I’ve been looking forward to it. Some things I only do during young Moon phase, and something are scheduled for this one 😉

Wanna make things good, do it before full Moon 😉

he is so right

So Sober

W0w, remember me? I hardly do ><

Thought it might be important to mention my last nights playlist. So far, my summer hit is Overseer’s Doomsday. Yeah, weird, cheap lyrics but song owns. Then Prodigy’s Omen also, OWNS! Genius Ferry Corsten  L.E.F. ❤ that song 4ever!  Terence Fixmer & McCarthy damn yummy, some Hacker+Carretta mixes, … Oh, Black Strobe’s Chemical sweet Girl + classics like Covenant – United States of Mind & Northern Light, and Mount Sims Ultrasex and Wild Light :> some Soft Cell, some O.M.D. some Ficherspooner tracks also, lil bit of Daf

Yea that was much better then that weird umm music o.O that some so called musicians played inside. And few tracks that didnt follow the theme but worked very well for me, like Kid Cudi’s Day ‘n’ Night o.O Twiztid’s So High o.O [oh btw there is no sanity here so don’t look for it] Anyway these tunes are easy and they have “cheer up” effect on me so it’s always recommendable to have them near.
Hmm, downtempo tracks i didnt play till this morning, while i was hardly walking toward bus station when those really did hit the spot. Last nights storm washed away stench of the city, smell of sweat was gone, town was sleeping and i was alone in the world. I saw only 2 crows, that would have been a good sign, if i only still believed in good predictions.

You know, i have no idea what or who is fucking with me these last few months. Whatever it is it picked to play with fire by messing with me. I might not be able to fight back, but if i get owned, it’ll be my way. I’ll benefit in one way or other.

Yey i’ll get back to this, after a storm

Later..

Morning!

And she is here, again. Chemical Sweet Girl :>

Don’t know why, it’s so unlike me, but since summer started, i’m in a weird lite green mood. But, then again, i’m never the same girl twice. Last summer i was crazy for white. Yea, white is classy imo. Think everyone should go trough that phase. Black usually makes person feel powerful, and its good when you lack some confident but white is something like, hmm well it’s sophisticated in a way, need’s stable and rly confident mind to handle it. Damn i was doing good back then….

This lite green thingie that i’m into atm kinda is threatening. So, don’t fuck with me. Oh, i know it might sound weird, i mean what’s so scary bout that color?? Well, that is exactly the answer, i guess you’ll never know. I’m undercover :>

Yea, you figured by now that this page will be mostly me rambling about irrelevant things, true, but you never know what it is i’ll come up with.

I’ve been good to myself last night. Oh, btw i just got home, spent night in town. The idea was to go out and try to have some fun for a change, but that failed, so me and Lena just went to her place around midnight. We actually spent evening in notorious SKC park. My gang back when we were lil delinquents did a good job on that park’s reputation.  You can’t meet sober person there …. Those years must have been hella fun, i wish i can remember them better, but what are you gonna do.It’s always fun to walk trough that park, seeing some new kids, doing same old shit. There was something like Summer Time Festival going on in the SKC garden, so it was noisy, music sucked, like always, but that didnt bother to me since i’m always armed with my own music. Some Zoran’s friends were there with us, and i didnt even bother to meet them, i just bought em all a drink. Nothing’s changed in SKC, only thing different was that cops wouldn’t have nothing on me,there are now some new dealers hanging on same old spots, and none of my friends had a gig that night.

Anyway, like i said, i’ve been good, and now i’m home with swollen feetand cutest sandals ever! Geeez, that heal is fucking high! And damn that color screams: “Back off!” Then i got me some self-tanning lotion, that’s smart always. We don’t want our skin to look 70 when we hit 40, not to mention that we maybe wanna live to be 40 and not die of skin cancer before.

It it’s 8 am and i’m starting to feel sleepy. I took a nap, well few naps but i didn’t really sleep, and had few drinks so i might need a few hours to get together. Anyway, that nap was fun [lol@ fun nap] i threw myself on a blanket on Lena’s balcony, night was hot, and wind felt really nice. I passed out there, then around 3 am i started hearing distant thunders  getting closer.  Suddenly cold wind chilled me to the bone, interrupted pleasant nap so i went inside and passed out once again next to Lena. I don’t know what time it was when thunder hit the tree just under the balcony. Lena screamed and was shaking for a while later. That sounded like it hit inside room. It was beautifull!

Yeeea, imma get some sleep.